Hi everyone! This update has been the most emotional for me to write. God asked me to be completely honest about what I am going through, so here you go.
One thing I ask is, for my friends that are "non-believers" or "non-Christians" - I realize I am talking about my own faith, but please try to just read through and know this is just me expressing myself.
It's amazing how easy it is to be positive when you have people cheering you on, supporting you and just being love manifest in your life. It's very easy to seem like maybe you have it all together and you have some sort of hidden strength no one else can understand.
One of my least favorite things people say is "God doesn't give you more than you can handle!" Or "If God brings you to it, God will bring you through it!" I don't know who your God is, but I fear my God because of His goodness, so while He is my strength- HE did not set the trials before me. Remember- Jesus was not tempted by GOD in the wilderness.
When my water broke at 20 weeks 1 day I didn't know how to feel or what to do. All I knew was to cry out to Jesus and call my mom. Almost immediately I felt God tell me to be completely vulnerable and share what was going on. Share with not just those close to me, but everyone I knew.
To be vulnerable is something that is often seen as something we do with just those we can "trust". But Jesus was vulnerable in front of everyone. For me, what being vulnerable with you all did was it created an opportunity to shine light on the darkness that was trying to come against Olive, Matt and myself, and my what a light you all have been!
The enemy looks like a complete fool. Our Olive is strong, and shall sleep peacefully through the storms.
It is not just those friends with deep faith, or that just believe in Jesus or even people who share the same Christian doctrinal beliefs as I do that have been a light, though. I have had people of all faiths, beliefs, sexual orientation, race, gender and so on encourage me and have been Jesus to our family when we need it most. So thank you, each of you.
To be honest, I feel like this journey set before me is like mountain after mountain with rough paths to connect them each mountain and I have no tools or supplies, not even shoes to walk. Then, you all have come in and stood in the mountains and valleys and the roughest parts where my feet would hurt the worst and my legs would be the most tired and you have helped carry me. You helped carry our family, so thank you.
I count it all as joy. How can I feel weak when there is an entire army of people carrying me along? I see Jesus in each of you, whether you believe or not. You have truly showed me way love looks like.
In the coming days I am facing what seems to be the hardest part of this journey for me. Once I am discharged (which is scheduled for Thursday) I go home. Olive, however, stays here. Her estimated time left here is 3 months (until her due date), although it could be more or less. There are a few options to stay near or even in the hospital, which is what I want but each one has it's challenges.
After having a child, regardless of delivery method, you can't drive for a period of time. Even after that period of time is over, we only have one car that we share, which Matt needs for work. Our plan has been to purchase another more baby friendly vehicle, but it just hasn't happened yet for many different reasons.
Also, we live in Buda approximately 19 miles from the hospital, so getting rides isn't a quick little trip. Also Matt works in Bastrop, which isn't close to home or the hospital, making it hard for him to have much time at the hospital.
On top of it all- Olive really needs my breast milk. They do use donor milk which I am so grateful for, but my milk is best for her. So I have to be able to get it to her.
I can't help but break down crying when I think about it all. That at a point she should still be in the womb, she is out and fighting, and I can't be with her all the time. I can't protect her like in could if she was in the womb.
Right now, I am dealing with obstacles. Obstacles I know God has already worked out and once again the love of my friends will completely cast out any fear I have.
So when you wonder how I can hold it together... Take the kind words, the encouragement, testimonies, the visiting, the gifts, hugs, the empathy and everything each of you has poured out on our family and think of it as my spiritual glue holding me together and helping me glow with Joy.
I love and pray for each of you. Our little family is eternally thankful.