I don't know if you remember, but before in one of my blogs I mentioned a nurse who upset me by telling me I needed to let my self rest (which she was right, by the way).
Well, I ran into her today at one of my most vulnerable moments.
You see, Monday was Matt's birthday, yet even though birthdays are supposed to be fun and magical, his morning started with a pretty significant wreck. While his car is totaled, Matt walked away. It is completely stressful and really, we didn't need this. I am dealing with all of this in the midst of everything going on with Olive (which I will get to shortly), and sometimes it just seems too much.
I went to clean out the car and while I am completely sad it is destroyed, I broke down just thinking of how great God is. Matt was in this destroyed car when this happened, and he is perfectly fine.
I worried about him every single day driving down that road, and God told me he would protect him, and He fulfilled and will continuously fulfill that promise.
After dealing with all of that, it was back to the hospital to accompany Olive to her swallow study. This test tells us if she is ready to take bottles. Somehow deep down, I could read the signs she was giving us and she was saying she wasn't ready.
I could feel guilt of unbelief rising up in me, but then I remembered something: God does not make us feel guilty. Even if I did have a lack of faith (which I didn't), it wouldn't even affect her. God is more powerful than my unbelief.
So she "failed." She aspirated, which means food was going into her lungs. Even when thickened. My heart was completely broken. I knew what was coming.
Today I was represented with the g tube. A surgically placed feeding tube. A Nissen fundoplicatin will accompany this tube being placed to help with reflux.
Although it was presented before and we confidently agreed we wanted what was best, we truly believed she was growing out of this issue.
Everyone has been praising her for how well she was doing, but now this?
I ran into the nurse mentioned before on my way in today, and for some reason she can always read me. Or maybe she just cares so much it actually matters to her when I quickly respond, unconvincingly "I'm fine." I broke down and told her what was going on.
Her response? "Things are going to get less shitty, okay?"
She explained to me that not only will Olive come home sooner, but this will allow her lungs to mature, and help her grow out of this aspiration problem. That there is still a chance of bottle/breast feeding. More importantly, it will give me more quality time with Olive. Right now it's all just so hectic.
She forced me to allow myself to see the positives. We never really "need" the negatives, but it is up to us to see the positives when these things happen.
So here I am, waiting for them to do more tests to make sure her body can handle this procedure. Whether this procedure will even help her.
Please be with us in declaration for the wisdom of the staff to make the best decisions for Olive. For us to continue to be patient as we wait for her to come home. And for peace over us and all of the other NICU families out there who are facing these same challenges with their tiny little wonders, in Jesus mighty name.