''If there is a heartbeat...'': One Year Later

It was nearly one year ago that I laid in a hospital bed waiting for a doctor to perform a sonogram. After a day of unpacking and cooking, I felt what could have been my water breaking at a very early 20 weeks and 1 day. This sonogram would tell us if I was, in fact, losing amniotic fluid. I was. I was given the option to induce labor and terminate the pregnancy, however the on call doctor gave me many other options.
I don't remember the car ride home. I don't remember the exact details, but I do remember asking for my mom or mother-in-law to come stay with me. I remember crying, a lot.
I was told that I would probably go into labor within 24-48 hours, or get an infection within 72 hours. I never showed any signs of labor or infection, though. 
It was a few days later that my mother and I went in for a check-up with my doctor. The sonogram showed tiny pockets of fluid, but I could see the sadness in my doctors face. The worry and the lack of hope. My mother stayed very strong and told him we believe in miracles.
As my doctor began discussing a plan to move forward I remember these words so clear ''and if there is a heartbeat next week...'' I would hear this for four more weeks of home bed rest. Visiting my doctor as well as a Perinatologist, week by week I was told what would happen next, of course focusing on what could go wrong. Hoping for a miracle, but hanging on on those words: ''if there is a heartbeat''. Each week I would anxiously await the next appointment, waiting to hear the heart beat of this child I already loved so much.
I laid in bed, only getting up to use the restroom or bathe. I watched movies, visited with friends and tried to keep my mind off of the negative. At my checkup at 23 weeks and 6 days my doctor made the decision to admit me to the hospital for closer observation. Then it turned into everyday visits from the doctors. Everyday I would hear those words. I was monitored for an hour a day, and would hear a feisty little girl kick the monitors on my belly. I would hear that strong heartbeat. A few days they felt hear heart rate dipped too low and she was on the monitor for a bit longer. I would nap to the sound of her heartbeat. The most beautiful sound I had ever heard.
It was the night she hit 26 weeks that the placenta began to separate and die. Olive quickly went from being completely healthy, to being in serious distress in a matter of minutes. At 26 weeks and 1 day she was born. She cried when she came out and it was the best sound I had ever heard.
She was rushed up to the NICU and it was a very long 12 hours before I would see her for the first time. Many people say when they see their preemie for the first time they are sad or scared. I was completely in awe as she breathed in and out with the assistance of a ventilator.
I looked up and saw numbers on the monitor and the NICU nurse began to tell me ''this is her oxygen saturation and this is her HEART RATE''. I sat and watched it. Many times I saw the numbers drop, but the nurses always came running.
Olive was 6 days old when I was able to hold her for the first time. She had dropped below 2 lbs and fit in my shirt. It was an amazing day.
For the first 149 days of her life she was on monitors. She endured 3 surgical procedures. She came home two days shy of her 5 month birth date.
She is now 10 months old and is quite big for a former preemie. She never lets any of the limits that were put on her hold her back. She is growing and developing very well and though she's needed to be tube fed for her entire life, she is slowly starting to eat by mouth. I laugh sometimes at the thought of her once fitting in my shirt and imagine trying to squeeze all of her wonderful 19 lbs into my shirt, although she is strong enough to fight me from doing so now!
I still watch her breath in and out and I lay my ear on her chest to hear that beautiful, strong heartbeat.

I'm a Mom: the Micro Preemie Edition

When I was born I was 9 pounds 12 ounces. I was also born with a giant set of lungs to go with it. I was always slightly afraid of the possibility of delivering a 9 pound baby naturally... 

I had no idea how much different my daughters birth would be from mine. She was born a micro preemie, meaning she was born 14 weeks early and weighed 2 pounds 2 ounces. 

Because of this I am not only the mother of a micro preemie, I am also a "NICU mom." A term coined for those moms who camp out in the NICU for months because their baby is not ready to come home. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm not stupid, I realize she isn't ready to come home with me. She needs the level of medical care that can only be given by a high level NICU.  

That doesn't change how I feel. Most days I am so positive and hopeful... But today was a bad day. Olive, my precious daughter, is having trouble learning to breathe, and therefore had multiple significant drops in her heart rate. One was so bad the doctor and respiratory therapist had to step in and it took what seemed like a lifetime to get her back to normal. 

They see this everyday and were seriously more than super heroes, as are the nurses! After that Olive had a pretty good evening, just one dip when she pooped, but everyone strains when the poop, right?

I have only been able to get rides earlier in the day, so I spend a large chunk of my day in the NICU because I afraid I won't make it in to see Olive otherwise. Today one of the nurses talked to me about being exhausted and that she was worried about me. That she thought I should maybe take some time away to sleep more. While a small part of me wanted to yell at her, I know she is right. I am exhausted. For a greater part of 6 months I have been way more dependent on others than I ever want to be again, lost a lot of sleep and have had way more on my plate than I knew I could handle. 

While the thought of not being with Olive 12 hours a day seems like I'm a horrible mother, I need to take care of myself. 

Now, as I try to get a grip on things I have others telling me what I should do. Others who haven't been through this. That I need to be with Olive. That getting my house in order isn't important. I know everyone means well and really love me. It's just that it isn't true. 

One thing I can tell you is I now understand what people mean when they say "you don understand unless you've been through it." Because really, you don't. 

It is really challenging some days not to be angry with women complaining about having a normal pregnancy. About stretch marks. About weight gain. Pleading "I can't wait to get this baby out!" But you know what? I don't understand what you're going through either. I didn't make it to that point in pregnancy. 

So I just thank God for my sweet Olive, my loving husband and the nurses who look out for our whole family. I thank God for the grace to make it though the day. 

I am also so thankful for everyone who prays for our family. We need it. Matt has been such an amazing Jesus to me through everything. He sacrifices for us and is really here for me. 

I have to remember who Olive is. Who God says she is, so I close with this: I hope when you see Olive- you are filled with peace and hope. She is a sign of life. 

"He also released a dove to see if the water had receded and it could find dry ground. But the dove could find no place to land because the water still covered the ground. So it returned to the boat, and Noah held out his hand and drew the dove back inside. After waiting another seven days, Noah released the dove again. This time the dove returned to him in the evening with a fresh Olive leaf in its beak. Then Noah knew that the floodwaters were almost gone." (Genesis 8:8-11 NLT)

A Day in the Life...: An Update

Well, it's the day after Christmas, day 31 on bed rest and day 6 in the hospital. Maybe it's my amazing ability to adapt, not having to be in control or just Jesus, but it honestly isn't so bad. Would I have rathered be with our families during this time? Of course! But it is what it is and I am where I am. 

I can't really say I've gotten bored, to be honest. I have cable and a TV guide on my phone so I can limit my TV by picking shows. I'm on bedrest so I am always "nap ready." I have colors, drawing paper, coloring books, paints, nail polish and books. My favorite part is interacting with the nurses. 

Bed rest, when looked at from the right perspective, is a laid back introvert's dream. I interact with only a few people a day, and they are making sure I am fed and baby and I are healthy :) 

When on constant monitoring, your day never ends, but I will try to explain a typical day for me. At around 5 or 6 am the night nurse comes to check my vitals (blood pressure, pulse/oxygen, temperature). This typically happens every 4 hours in order to check for signs of infection. Shortly after the doctor will come and hear me breathe, poke around on my belly and ask how I'm doing. Today this resulted in blood draw, which happened around 6:30 am. Results came back great :) 

If I am able to stay awake (which once I tell you about my night schedule, you will understand), I just sit for a while and check Facebook or play on Pinterest or something. At around 8 I have breakfast. The nurse then comes again at around 9 and they check my vitals and put baby on the monitor for about an hour. I often fall asleep while on the monitor because I can't move really, so insert nap here. 

After that- it's shower time! Then I get ready for my day. About an hour of downtime and then it's lunch. From lunch til dinner is usually the most boring part of my day, so I color or watch something on tv. Sometimes you will catch me reading. At around 8 pm I meet my new nurse and she checks my vitals and hears baby's heart beat. Yesterday I was having pain, so they put the monitors on for about an hour. They thought I may be contracting, so they ordered to put the monitors back on. No contractions, just a mean old fibroid tumor causing problems. 

I fall asleep probably around 9:30 or 10 depending on what's going on with Matt. At about 12:30 or 1 I am woken up to do my vitals again. 

This experience is definitely preparing me for her arrival. Random wake ups and all. 

If you ever want to come by and break up the monotony, feel free to stop by. You may even get a bonus of hearing baby girl :) 

While I am anxious for the arrival of the next season, this season isn't so bad. I am definitely getting in some good bonding time with our girl.

Update: First Full Day

Well I'm closing I on my first full day in the hospital. Everything is going well... Just going with the flow. Matt and I have pretty much moved in :) 

I am so thankful that I have had two super sweet nurses so far- and am expecting this to be a trend. I'm finding that although I can be completely overwhmed by randomly approaching people to talk- I am pretty good at talking with people I have to interact with. 

So for my first night I had my vitals done, blood work (my favorite...) got an IV to begin antibiotics and my first of two very painful steroid shots. 

The thing I want to stress is (especially when asking me questions about my decisions), I have thought about each of these decisions and not only researched it (see pPROM management/regamine), I have spoken with trusted friends of mine who are very knowledgable about my particular situation, and I have prayed about this. So I am kindly asking that you trust that I am making each of my decisions very carefully. I also plan continue to make decisions this way. 

I am learning that as I become a mother, my decisions cannot just be based on how my mother, grandmother, mother in law and so on have made decisions. I also won't make decisions based on fear based information, or what the newest fad is. No mommy blogs, religious convictions of others, etc will be a final decision maker for me. 

My mother has been an amazing mother and has protected me so well. She has a lot of information and is very smart! She also knows that my life experiences are different than hers and sometimes the decision that seems best to her doesn't always jump out at me, and is supportive. So thankful for her and how supportive she is. She always reminds me that while she treats me as an adult, I am still her Baby Girl! It's why we have given our sweet girl the nickname "Baby Dolores", because her Nana is always looking out for her and her mama :) 

Well- back to my stay- I haven't slept as the steroids kind of make it difficult and while this bed is comfortable- it's some kind of air bed so it is temperamental instead of temperpedic. At the recommendation of some amazing friends- I will be adding padding! 

The highlight of my day was definitely watching Baby Girl try to kick the monitors off my belly. SO HARD that my pant elastic was pulled up over one monitor and she kicked it off :) 

I again am so thankful for all of the support. I want to make sure to update, but always keep things positive, as that is the end result we expect. Heck, not just positive, better than great! 

Now... To try to sleep... Until my rude awakening of more antibiotics and second (of two... Thank God) round of steroids at 1am :)

Perspective: An Update

I have found that perspective is everything. One thing I have always been good at is seeing both sides of an argument, although when I have been one of the sides I have often ignored some things I see on the other side :)

To be honest, though, I'm not nearly as strong as some seem to think I am, I just keep perspective in mind. Most of you know I have very "stong beliefs" but I guess I just know that I need a savior. 

Going to Mozambique and especially working with abused, abandoned and widowed women I received a lot of perspective. I grew so much from the love they had for each other and all of us missionaries! I saw how they embraced pure Jesus and I came alive when I was with them. 

It seems I will be admitted Friday, or at the latest Monday into the hospital for constant monitoring. 

It isn't easy knowing that on Christmas I will be in the hospital. Knowing that while I wait for our daughter to arrive I can't be the one preparing her nursery (and decorating is one of my FAVORITE things!). I even bought a shirt to wear for our church Christmas celebration. It's red with ruffles and I got a cute belt with... You guessed it... A bow on it as an accesory. But I will most likely be in pajamas. 

But then... I let perspective sink in. 

The decision to go into the hospital is the best option for our daughter. I will be monitored in a way that they will know if she is healthy and if I am healthy enough to carry her. There are advances in modern medicine (thank you Jesus!) for at risk pregnancies that weren't around 20 or even 10 years ago. 

I have made my peace with all of the things that have been thrown our way. The idea that I may have to have a c-section (although there is still a good chance for natural birth!). That there is a risk of infection (but I do not receive it in Jesus name!). Just the overall idea that I have limited amount of control of the situation. 

In a few months (hopefully a little over 3 months!) we will have a healthy little girl. I am eternally grateful for the nurses and women with success stories that have encouraged me! Thankful for the friends that have offered advice on how to survive hospital bedrest. I am also thankful that Matt has the next two weeks off so he can spend lots of time with me my first weeks in the hospital! Our parents are also coming after Christmas to celebrate with us! 

I will be posting about ways to help as soon as I can get it all together. We will have a "Care Calendar" so that whoever wants to can sign up to provide meals (because I hear hospital food isn't the most nutritious and gets old quick), help us with things that we need and just come visit, can do so at their convenience! I am looking forward to seeing as many of you as possible during the stay. Come speak blessings over Baby Girl and just help pass the time :) 

I encourage you, if you have lost sight of the Christmas (or holiday in general) spirit, change your perspective. 

Statistics: An Update

Bedrest day 16. Yes, you read that correct, 16 days! I can't quite believe it myself. To be honest, I don't know I would have made it this far without the support that I've had from everyone! Those taking the time to come stay with me during the day and help keep our home clean and my belly full and those of you who have been so encouraging.

I know Baby Girl is going to do great. As scary as it can be (especially with her not moving much lately!) at times, I know she is perfect. In the past I have had a hard time trusting God with different aspects of my life. I actually remember anxiously talking with a friend once about my desire to be married and she said "you are so funny. You trust God with everything in your life but this one area!" It hit me like a ton of bricks. I was married about 6 months later.

So, I trust God with my husband, my finances (He has always come through!) and everything else- why wouldn't I trust Him with our daughter? He loves her and has the best in store for her. 

I haven't necessarily been given statistics, but I can tell by the doctors reaction that this is a big deal. That they are hesitant to give me any hope. Good thing my hope is in God. (Cue Will Matthews "Hope's Anthem" here)

To briefly give you a rundown of what comes next: I will be seeing the Perinatologist and my OB once more and then I will be admitted to the hospital. I will stay there under constant care until Baby Girl is born. To make it full term- that's 16 weeks in the hospital. My hope is to make it as long as she can. They will monitor her and make sure her best chance is staying in the womb. I will receive some treatment to help her lungs grow. They will also monitor me for infection and my health (which overall has been great- minus the whole female part aspects.) 

Some ways to pray are- first and foremost- that the sac will heal itself and she will completely replenish her fluids to normal. Second, a good heart rate and good amounts of fluid! That her lungs and the rest of her grows at a normal gestational rate. For Matt as he is working and keeping up with our home all while finishing his certification classes. Also for both of us as me being in the hospital means that there will be a lot of times we are not together. For me to have the strength and to be able to face everyday with Joy. For Baby Girl to be completely healthy when she is born and spend as little time in the hospital as possible. 

I am so thankful for each of you who are praying for us! Those who have encouraged us with testimonies and prophecies! 

I read a quote from one of the other mothers who had a positive outcome after rupturing prematurely: "Statistics are for those without faith!" I agree. 

21 Weeks for Baby Girl!

21 Weeks today. Tomorrow makes a week since I ruptured. Since then I was able to connect with a few other women who have also gone through Preterm Premature Rupture of Membrane (also known as pPROM) and had positive outcomes! I have even hear stories of making it FULL TERM! Wow! 

I was set up with 2 women that have happy healthy babies! Both believers and both made it through speaking truth and positivity over their babies! 

I am staying positive, although there are moments of weakness. The moment it happens, I begin speaking life over Baby girl. 

Health wise I have been monitoring my temperature often (to make sure there are no signs of infection) and drinking a gallon + of water, mostly electrolyte infused water. I have been eating bananas, and have actually found that a banana for the middle of the night hunger helps me tremendously! 

I have had my moments. I haven't Christmas shopped at all for anyone and will more than likely be in the hospital for Christmas. Our home is not unpacked or decorated (although my mom did out up our Christmas tree!). The one thing that for whatever reason really hit me was that I bought a maternity shirt specifically to wear on Christmas that I probably won't wear this pregnancy. 

Two more weeks and the doctors will consider Baby Girl viable outside of the womb. I plan on making it much further than 2 weeks! With all of the water it seems I have began to have small leaks, which means the baby is making fluid. This is a good sign. I have had a difficult time gaining weight this entire pregnancy, so I have been trying to eat more! No weight gain, but no weight decrease! 

I have been praying Psalm 91 over Baby Girl every day. If you have any verses or prophecies for Baby Girl, Matt and I would love to hear! We know she will be world traveler. That she already knows Jesus and will always know her identity in Christ! That she will have an impact on the children of God like Mother Teresa! 

We are so thankful that Baby Girl has prayers for her all over the world! Wow! I will keep everyone updated after the appointment Monday with the Perinatologist! 

Today I Choose Hope.

This morning I woke up ready to go to the doctor. I just knew that the report would be great. A miracle even. 

After my vitals, my doctor started the exam and determined I did not have an infection. We heard the baby's heart rate, which was normal. He did a cervix check, still closed. 

Then came the sonogram. My doctor was quiet most of the time, which is not like him. He showed the nurse the fibroid, the baby, the heartbeat, etc. I could see the screen, and though I could see Baby Dolores moving, I could also see why my doctor was quiet.

He came back in. Before he said anything I started crying. He told me I stopped leaking fluid because the fluid was not being replenished. 

This time there was a lot less hope. He said that he could go ahead and admit me to the hospital, but there wouldn't be anything they could do still until 23 weeks. He said he thought it would be better for me to be with my family. 

I asked about the fluid replenishing itself. He told me that it could happen but he didn't want to get my hopes up. I cried, a lot. 

I ran into the on call doctor I saw on Sunday and she asked how I was doing. I broke down and told her. Her response changed everything. She said "we see miracles everyday." She told me (as did my doctor and nurse) she would be praying for the best outcome.  

Monday I go see the Perinatologist. He should be able to tell me a little bit more, and visits with the Perinatologist will possibly become a regular in my routine. I will be seeing my doctor weekly, also. 

In Mozambique I met people that had been brought back from the dead. I saw people healed. I heard a man tell his testimony of him being so close to death that his wife, who is full of faith had lost hope. 

So today, I choose hope. No one will call me stupid for believing in the best outcome. To be honest, I don't think the lack of fluid is anyway in a challenge to God. 

I believe not only will she make it to 23 weeks, she will make it longer. No infections, and no preterm labor. Repaired amniotic sac and relished fluid. 

What I ask of you is to have hope with us. To block out negative outcomes and believe with us for a miracle.